Welcome to Episode 37. My name is Kristi Angevine, and you’re listening to the Habits On Purpose podcast.

Every habit is a learned solution for something. And today, I talk about how to find what you're solving for in three simple steps.

Welcome to Habits On Purpose, a podcast for high-achieving women who want to create lifelong habits that give more than they take. You'll get practical strategies for mindset shifts that will help you finally understand the root causes of why you think, feel, and act as you do. And now, here's your host physician and Master Certified Life Coach Kristi Angevine.

Hello, hello, everyone. I'm really excited about this episode, because this episode grows from a class that I recently taught in the form of a webinar. On that webinar, I taught a very different approach to changing your habits, and realized, after teaching that class, that I could distill it even more and place it into a podcast episode that you can listen to; while you're driving down the road, while you're going for a walk, or while you're doing whatever you do when you listen to your podcast.

So, as you've heard me say in the past, conventional habit change advice, oftentimes calls on you to have willpower, and use self-discipline. One of the most important things that's missing from this conventional habit change approach, is understanding what is actually really good about your current habit. Even if your habit has negative consequences. Even if you don't like your habit. And, even if you want desperately to change your habit.

The truth is, that every habit we have has a benefit. And once we understand that benefit, we can start to understand how to unwire that habit, and to rewire a new one that has sticking power, and does not require you to use willpower.

So, Dr. Gabor Maté has a controversial view of addiction, but one that I think is really quite wise. This perspective on addiction is really relevant to thinking about many of our habits. He says, “It is impossible to understand addiction without asking what relief the addict finds, or hopes to find, in the drug or the addictive behaviour.”

Now, let's rephrase that quote using “habits”. It's impossible to understand our habits without asking what relief we find, or hope to find, in that habit. I want you to bring to mind a habit of yours that you really don't like. A habit that you really wish you could change. That maybe, you have tried to change, and you have tried over and over, and you just haven't gotten traction on creating a deliberate habit, that you'd like better than the one that you currently have.

So, answer this; what relief do you find in that habit? What relief do you find in, for example, staying up late and watching Yellowstone or watching Queer Eye? What benefit do you get from eating half a box or a whole box of Thin Mints™? Or, having that extra whiskey or glass of wine? Or, let's push the envelope and ask; what positive thing do you get from procrastinating?

What benefit comes from beating yourself up or listening to your inner critic? What benefit might you get from ruminating and forecasting the worst-case scenarios? What relief might be hidden inside your tendency to feel like an imposter, or your habit of perfectionistic thinking?

Now, it may seem really counterintuitive to look at your habits this way, I totally get it. But this different approach is extremely effective. The reason is, once you know the benefit that comes from your habit, or the relief that you find or hope to find from the habit you have, then you will start to understand why you continue that habit.

Let's just face it, we don't do things that have zero benefit, there's always a benefit. Sometimes, we just have to peel back multiple layers to identify it. Now, why is talking about a habit from this perspective so useful? If you don't know the real reason why you continue to do something, changing it will be difficult, really difficult.

Because you can force yourself to stop a habit by using willpower, but if you are not changing your habit from a place of understanding what it's originally solving for, you are going to be perpetually trying to fill a hole and finding a different solution in a different form.

So, to keep this really concrete, you might be able to force yourself to transiently stop your emotional eating. But if your emotional eating is solving for a feeling of restlessness, you can stop eating, but your restlessness will still be there.

It might not show up when you're standing outside your pantry, because you might be able to temporarily white knuckle yourself through that and block that restlessness from showing up. But the restlessness is coming from somewhere and it will show up in other areas of your life.

Or, another example, you might be able to find an accountability partner to help you stick to deadlines for a project. But if your procrastination on a project keeps you shielded from failure, then when you're going for some other big goal, your discomfort with failure is going to show up in a different way.

So, there are three key parts to this exploration of what the benefit or relief is in a habit. Number one, we have to know what a habit solves for. Number two, we have to find out why that solution is needed, in the first place. And number three, we have to ask ourselves, what's really going on here? And, what do I need?

So, let's go over an example. And then, I'm going to outline a really practical way that you can do this work, with a little pre-work, and an in-the-moment practice that you can do this week.

Let's take the habit of people-pleasing. Now, people-pleasing, in the way that I'm discussing, is a nearly compulsive, automatic tendency to do things that you know other people will like, but to do it at your own expense. So, if we're going to look at people-pleasing, from the perspective I'm talking about, we would ask; what might people-pleasing solve for?

Well, for some of you, people-pleasing might solve for discomfort with articulating a boundary. Or, it might solve for discomfort with tending to your own needs before other people's needs. It may solve for not knowing what to do with other people being disappointed. So, regardless of what the specifics are, once you know what a habit solves for, then you would ask; why might the solution be needed?

So, in this example, why might there be discomfort with articulating a boundary? Well, perhaps a part of you worries that if you do articulate a boundary, that your coworkers won't trust you. Or, the people in your business, they won't like you as much and they won't refer business to you? Or, maybe there's a part of you that worries that you're going to come across as really unhelpful. Where, if you say no, or you don't offer to do something that’s helpful to others, but at your own expense, that you're going to come across as arrogant.

If people-pleasing solves for coming across as arrogant, what's really going on? What might I really need? Well, perhaps I really need to remember that it's highly unlikely I'm going to come across as arrogant. Perhaps, what I really need, is a reminder that boundaries are healthy. That boundaries don't mean that I don't care. Perhaps, boundaries might even be useful for others.

And for those of you who like to take things to their very deepest core issues, if you're wondering if you can take this type of inquiry even deeper, absolutely, yes, you can. So, in this example, you might wonder; what would be the worst thing about coming across as arrogant? Why would that be something that I'm worried about? When or where might this worry have originated from, originally?

But for the purposes of this particular podcast episode, just simply starting the process of figuring out what's going on under the surface of a habit, can be profoundly revealing. So, how do you do this? Let's talk about a practice that you can implement very easily, this week. There's a pre-work component and an in-the-moment life practice component.

Let's talk about the pre-work component first. The way you do this, is you pick one habit, then you write about what that habit solves for. And you do this by saying, “What's the benefit of this habit? What's the upside? What relief might I get from this habit?”

And if it's not quite clear to you, you can rephrase a question to yourself by saying, “If I didn't do this thing, what am I worried will happen? What am I worried that I will have to feel?” And, just brainstorm. There's not a specific correct answer that applies to everybody, you will find your own answers.

But you want to keep your scope of vision really broad for this. And just imagine; what are the benefits or reliefs that I think I'm getting, or that I do get from this habit?

And once you have all that written down, your next step, the third step, is to investigate. And you do this by asking; why might this solution be needed? So, whatever thing that you found your habit solves for, you want to take it to the next level and say, “Why might this solution be important to me?” And, just write about it.

So, for example, if it's emotional eating, and the emotional eating solves for restlessness, why might you feel restless? If the emotional eating provides a sense of calm, or distracts you from a very stressful day, why might you be craving that calm and that distraction? If it's phone use late into the night, let's say that solves for feeling lonely. Well, why might you actually be feeling lonely, in the first place? And, what might you really need instead of your phone?

Once you have done this work, this is part of your anticipatory preparation for when you desire to do that habit later in the week. And then, there is the lived in-the-moment practice. So, the lived in-the-moment practice is very simple. You notice and name the desire to do the thing, or not do the thing. You remind yourself what that habit solves for, this is just reminding yourself what you've discovered in your writing.

And then, number three, you tell yourself; what I really need is… or, what I really long for instead is… fill in the blank. So, this is what it looks like. You're going about your day, and you notice you have the desire to do the habit that you've studied. You notice that desire, and you just name it. You say, this is that desire to do that thing. This is the desire to eat the Thin Mints, to grab that extra drink, to keep scrolling on my phone, to press snooze, to rollover not go out to exercise, like I said, I would. To say yes, when I want to say no. I have a desire to do or not do this thing.

By noticing and naming you are slowing everything down. In ordinary life, things go really quickly. And this is a way for you to actually expand your awareness of what's really going on. And be able to be more intentional and deliberate, instead of being reactionary and living by your default.

So, the second part; remind yourself what the benefit of the old habit is. You essentially say, “Okay, I want to do this or not do this, because it gives me relief, and solves for feeling anxious. It helps shield me from having to say no, and worrying what I'm going to feel like when someone else is disappointed. It's solves feeling lonely. I want to stay in bed and not get up, because staying in bed makes sense when I'm exhausted. And what I really long for is more free time, more whitespace.”

Again, you're in-the-moment practice is, you notice and name the habit and desire to do the thing. Number two, you remind yourself what this habit solves for. And then, number three, you say to yourself, “What I really need or long for right now instead, is…” And when you do this, you will decouple the tendency to do this habit from the willpower approach, which is oh so common.

So, my invitation to you, is to go back and listen to the pre-work and the in-the-moment practice. I think it's about four minutes ago. And, start it today. Get pen to paper this afternoon, or this evening, or this morning. And then, watch through the week when that habit and desire to do that habit comes up. And see what changes for you, when you are armed with the information for what your habit solves for, or what relief you think you're going to find in that habit.

And, just notice how different this approach is. So, I hope you enjoy this really practical, yet counterintuitive approach. And, I can't wait to see what you come up with. You can find me on Instagram. I always love when you share your habit changes and progress with me there; it's Kristi.Angevine. Or, you can find me in Habits On Purpose Facebook group Habits On Purpose. Or, you can get on my email list at HabitsOnPurpose.com and you can click ‘join the mailing list’.

I can't wait to see you next week and hear what you found out.

If you want to learn more about how to better understand your habits, stop feeling reactionary, and get back into the proverbial driver’s seat with your habits, you’ll want to join my email list. Which you can find linked in the show notes. Or, if you go to habitsonpurpose.com, you’ll find it right there.

Thanks for listening to Habits On Purpose. If you want more information on Kristi Angevine or the resources from the podcast, visit www.HabitsOnPurpose.com. Tune in next week for another episode.