Hi, this is your host, Kristi Angevine. Welcome to the Habits On Purpose podcast Episode #38.

When we experience an intensely stressful emotion, it's really easy to feel like the emotion is in charge of us, and to lose any semblance of perspective. Similarly, when we chronically have negative thoughts and feelings, it can seem like a way of being that we are stuck living.

Today, you're going to learn a simple yet powerful concept that will help you extricate yourself from a swirl of emotion, so you can get perspective when you need it most.

Welcome to Habits On Purpose, a podcast for high-achieving women who want to create lifelong habits that give more than they take. You'll get practical strategies for mindset shifts that will help you finally understand the root causes of why you think, feel, and act as you do. And now, here's your host physician and Master Certified Life Coach Kristi Angevine.

Hello, hello, everyone. Today, I'm delving in to how to get relief and perspective when you are consumed with emotion. The concept I'm going to discuss, is the concept of finding neutrality. Because this is such an important concept, I'm going to do a few episodes about the importance of being able to find or invoke a neutral headspace.

And as this is the first one, today's episode is going to take a 10,000-foot view, it's going to be an overview episode. Today, you're going to learn what neutral is and how it's important. By the end of the episode, you're going to understand ways a neutral headspace helps us remove our blinders, and helps us clear the proverbial windshield through which we're seeing ourselves and experiencing the world.

And to keep it practical, I will teach you a simple approach you can use right now to shift into what I like to call the “neutral waiting room.” This concept, of a neutral waiting room, is not only really intellectually satisfying, but it's so very practical. And it's a concept that I use all the time in my personal life.

So, let me start with an example that's going to lay the groundwork for this whole topic. Lately, the weather, here in Oregon, has been really sunny and dry, atypically sunny, and dry. But it has been pleasant, nonetheless. And, we haven't quite yet shifted into the cold fall Oregon weather.

The other day, my kids and I had an opportunity to go out to a playground and we were in the grass, playing keep-away with the soccer ball. Which is basically just a game where each person tries to keep the ball away from the other people. There's really no rhyme or reason, or organized structure is just keeping the ball away from the other people.

So, it was my daughter, myself, and my son. At first, when my son, who's about four years younger than my daughter, when he would get the ball and his sister would try to get it away from him, he instantly started making this mewing noise, and scrunching up his face, and looking scared, and sounding kind of whiny.

I asked him what was going on, and he said he was scared. So, let's deconstruct what his experience was, and use that as our window into the power of neutral. In the moment of playing soccer, all my little six-year-old can see, was the person coming to take the ball from him was big and fast. And to him, in that moment, was kind of spooky.

When he felt spooked, he made this high-pitched mewing noise. He hesitated, he shirked away from his sister as she tried to steal the ball, he stopped moving, and ultimately, he made it really easy for her to get the ball. He had this experience, of keep-away at the park, because of what he was reflexively thinking in that moment.

He was thinking something like; oh, no, this is scary. She's faster than me. She's bigger than me. I'm not going to be able to keep the ball, this is too much. And he felt anxious, and tense, and intimidated. Now, when we slow it all down, from this outside vantage point, we can see how his set of thoughts and feelings directly influenced his actions.

When he reflexively thinks, oh, no, and he feels scared, he slows his run. He tries to avoid this bigger human trying to get his ball. In that moment, it's as if a part of him forgets that it's just his sister, who totally adores him, that's trying to get the ball. He totally forgets that it's just a fun little game at the park. In that moment, he can't see the silliness and the levity of the game.

And because he feels scared and intimidated, he totally loses the capacity to focus on the task of keeping control of the ball. So, when he is living inside that moment, he's inside his own movie, he's inside the after-school special, as it were. Now, this is exactly what we all do when we are stuck in the thick of a flurry of subconscious, automatic thoughts, and the reflexive emotions that come after.

From the inside, our perspective is really narrowed, but we might not realize that. Inside our own movie, when we are in the thick of emotion, we act like we have blinders on, like we have tinted glasses. And that's because we do have blinders and tinted glasses on. Our blinders and our tinted glasses are made up of the thoughts and feelings we automatically have in the moment.

Now, I bet you can think of a time that you've had this type of experience yourself. Maybe it wasn't playing keep-away with your older sibling, but maybe at the time where you were consumed with self-doubt. And all you could see were the ways a situation or an interaction was terrible, because of you. You might have played out all the potential negative repercussions. Dwelled on how other people would have handled it better. Recalled times in the past that you had a similar experience or similar feeling.

And from that headspace, you may have beat yourself up, ruminated, felt like hiding under the covers, hoped you wouldn't see anybody in the hall who reminded you of the experience, or asked you how you were doing. And, you might have felt really alone.

And in that state, when you have that intense feeling of self-doubt, the self-doubt blinders prevent you from seeing a more macroscopic view. And shield you from remembering that everybody, except sociopaths and narcissists, feel self-doubt sometimes. When you feel self-doubt, you can't see all the ways that you perhaps didn't mess up. Or, that you are cut out for the job. Or, that you do have competency.

When we have blinders on, is precisely when finding neutral is so useful. And, let's talk about why. So, back to my kiddo, and his own emotions, and his own blinders playing keep-away. Once I learned that he was scared, I went up to him and just kneeled down in the grass, and I said, “Okay, so that makes sense. She seems big. She's fast. And right now, it seems like you can't do what you want. Is that right?”

“And gosh, feeling scared isn't very comfortable. I get that. But you know what? This game we're playing right now, it's very similar to the soccer game you were playing yesterday. Where there were lots of kids trying to get the ball from you, and doing it all at once. And, check this out: Sure, she's taller, and she's running towards you really quickly. But she's your sister, she loves you. And, she really means no harm.”

And while I was sitting there talking to him, I was just kind of assessing if he was receiving this or not. He seemed like he was listening. So, I said, “Do you want my advice? As we keep playing, you might just remind yourself, ‘This is just like yesterday at the soccer game. That ball is mine to keep it as long as I can. And, that big kid running up to steal it? That's my silly, sweet sister.’”

Now, what this whole thing did in that moment, was offer him a neutral perspective. It was like an invitation to go into the neutral waiting room, or holding room, or lobby, or however you want to think about it. Seeing neutral facts is an opportunity to pause whatever narrative you've got going on in your mind, and for my son it was to pause the fear narrative, and step into a more neutral state of mind.

You can see how neutrality is like a set of stepping stones away from a negative headspace into this neutral waiting room, this neutral holding space. Now, what might this look like for the example of self-doubt? So, first of all, it's really important to point out that finding a neutral headspace first calls on you to recognize when you are not in a neutral headspace.

Now, this sounds so obvious, it almost sounds simplistic. But so often, when we are deep in emotion, we really don't have much awareness of the fact that we are deep in the emotion. So, the analogy I love is from a yin yoga practice. Yin is a practice where you hold poses for long amounts of time. In between the poses, you shift your body back to a neutral resting body position, or sometimes even a counter pose. That's the inverse of the stretch you just did.

So, between these longer poses, you literally come back to a central, neutral position. And it's oftentimes, in a central place on your yoga mat. And when you do, you can feel the difference between your body in the pose and your body in the neutral position.

Your emotional state is like a yoga pose. When you're stretching one side there to certain bodily feeling, and a state of mind that accompanies it. Just like when you are feeling self-doubt, there is also a certain bodily feeling that accompanies it. You might have a tight feeling in your neck, a constriction, or a heat, or gripping feeling, like you're collapsing inwards.

Your skin might feel like it's on high alert. If you detect images or colors with your emotions, there might be a certain color that comes along with this state. You might feel mentally sluggish, or you might have racing thoughts. You might, in either case, have difficulty concentrating.

Versus when you feel calm, or happy, or excited, or connected, you have different bodily experiences, and you literally feel different. So, in order to find neutral, when you're in the thick of a heightened, negative, or stressful emotional state, you have to be able to get practice on noticing when you are not neutral.

And let's just be clear, we all have different sensitivities to noticing our mental and emotional states. One person might notice anxiety creeping in with a 2 out of 10. But when it comes to self-doubt, they don't notice it until it's a 9 out of 10 in intensity. But whatever the intensity is, when you notice your emotion being off center and out of neutral, the important thing is that you take note of when you feel the emotion and what it feels like.

Then, to find neutral, in the self-doubt example, it might sound like this: You think, on purpose to yourself; I'm feeling self-doubt. This is self-doubt. Self-doubt makes so much sense based on my perspective in the moment. It's, frankly, universal. And it's really difficult to feel this, right now.

What's also true is this: And then, you insert facts and neutral observations. Examples might be: What's also true right now, is that not every work meeting goes smoothly. Humans don't always agree on things. It's also true that I shared my priorities, in terms of what work hours worked for me, and they shared theirs. It's also true that in the past, I might not have been as transparent. This isn't comfortable, but that's just because I really care about my work. And, I wanted this to go a certain way.

When you deliberately remind yourself of objective facts and neutral observations, your emotional state shifts away from 100% self-doubt to something more neutral. Something like; feeling matter of fact, feeling slightly detached, feeling observational, businesslike, or methodical, or pragmatic.

It might also even shift towards feeling a bit reassured, a bit more laid back, possibly peaceful, or calm, or just chill. And this happens because you are gently lowering the blinders and stepping into a neutral waiting room. Because you are offering yourself neutral observations and objective facts.

So, let's talk about the power of neutrality. Neutrality is powerful for a few reasons. Neutrality allows clarity and a wider perspective. When we're engulfed in a strong negative emotion, there is a narrowing of our vision and a narrowing of our perspective. We have less access to language when we are in a heightened emotional state. And, we have a compromised capacity to reflect and analyze.

A state of heightened negative emotion is like being cornered. Stepping into a neutral waiting room expands our perspective. So, we can see beyond the acute stressor. Neutrality creates recalibration. It creates clarity, and it creates perspective. And with these, you can better understand yourself. You can better understand what was so stressful about whatever your original situation was.

And when this happens, it's so, so much easier to be deliberate and less reactionary. So, why aim for neutral instead of aiming for positive? I mean, isn't the point to have a more positive perspective on things? To enjoy life to the fullest? Well, maybe. But neutrality is a much more effective strategy than reframing to something positive.

And, here's why: When we are in a really intense emotional experience, when we feel really rigid, tense, stressed, anxious, worried, neutral is much more accessible than 180 degrees the other direction, to something positive and cheery. Now, finding a silver lining is sometimes helpful, but in many instances, it feels terrible. Why? Because a silver lining or a positive reframing can feel like a denial, or a whitewashing of our current experience.

In contrast, neutrality is a baby step away from a strong emotion. So, we're actually less likely to argue with neutrality, and less likely to dig our heels in deeper against it, than a positive reframing. Neutrality also isn't a gaslighting that makes our response to something wrong.

So, let's look at this in the keep-away situation with my son. It's a beautiful day in Central Oregon. We're at the playground, and out of the blue, he seems whiny while we're playing something that seems like it should be fun. And in full transparency, for me, his response in that moment, is like a dog whistle for all sorts of different thoughts and feelings that arise in me.

On one hand, a part of me is so happy to have time with my kids. On the other hand, another part of me wants things to be fun and easy, and is really annoyed, rolling my eyes at his response. There's also another part of me that's kind of distracted, and wants to go home and work on this podcast.

And there's another part of me that hears his response, and fast-forwards 15 years, to where the sweet kid has been bullied for coming across as wimpy and whiny, and he's this delicate human who can't cope with life. So, he has lifelong struggles, and we all suffer.

With all these different responses surfacing in me, in the past, upon hearing his response, and then learning he was scared, I might have been inclined to say something like, “Oh, come on, this is fun. It's not scary. You love soccer. You can totally keep the ball away from her. It's not that hard. And heck, even if you don't, it's such an amazing learning opportunity, right?”

“You're gonna get so much practice with the 10-year-old, that when you go play with the six-year-old it’s going to be just so easy. And besides, look at how gorgeous the weather is. Aren't we so fortunate to spend time together today?”

And let's be clear, this turn-that-frown-upside-down spiel of mine, would not work for shit. And it wouldn't work because it would be so, so far away from his negative headspace, that it would basically be invalidating his experience. He would feel disconnected from me, because he would see that I couldn't relate to his experience.

And it could possibly even plant the seed in his mind, that certain emotions are not acceptable. And, who knows? That could be the foundation for him ultimately concluding that there's something wrong or inept about himself, when all he was doing was having a normal, reflexive, human response.

Now, let's shift gears and see what happens internally, in our own systems, when we feel a strong or a chronically negative emotion, and we meet ourselves with that same type of turn-that-frown-upside-down attempt at positivity, or a focus on a silver lining.

When we're in the thick of self-doubt, endeavoring to find a positive perspective would play out like this: You feel self-doubt, and you think to yourself; there's no reason to feel doubt. This is not a big deal. Heck, doubt is just coming from some thoughts. I shouldn't feel bad.

I just need to see it differently. You know, I actually love it when somebody disagrees with me. I can do this. And besides, you know what? This situation is just such a first world situation. Look at all the things I should be grateful for. Who am I to be bogged down in doubt?

Well, these sentiments could be helpful sometimes. Usually, when we're in the thick of a strong negative emotion, it rarely works. The positive falls flat because it's too much of a leap. It's essentially, inaccessible to us. And on some level, the positive feels like an invalidation. And when we feel invalidated, we seek to figure out why.

We make a meaning of why, which often, ultimately, sounds like some version of; oh, there must be something wrong with me. So, in both examples, the one with my son and the one was self-doubt, you can see how neutrality is a much more effective strategy, than trying to reach for a silver lining, or find something really positive and cheery.

Let me just quickly go over the very distinct pieces that help you step into the neutral waiting room when you notice you're in a strong emotion. Step number one is start by validating and normalizing what you're feeling. Step number two, list off objective facts and neutral observations, neutral thoughts.

Now, if you've been doing personal development for a long time, you might wonder what is a neutral thought? Aren't all thoughts, just sentences that create a certain emotion in us and therefore, how can they be neutral? What I mean by a neutral thought, is a sentence that you think and when you think it, it invokes in you a neutral emotional state.

So, step three, is assess for that neutral emotional state. Assess; do I feel something slightly less intense than anxiety, discouragement, deflation, fear, self-doubt? Whatever it is. Assess if there's some degree of neutrality there. If there is, that means you have taken a step towards or across the threshold into the neutral waiting room.

And step four, notice the clarity and the wider perspective that you now have access to. Now, there are two big caveats to neutrality. Caveat number one, trying for neutral is not intended to deny or whitewash a traumatic or intensely difficult challenge. The only purpose of strategic neutrality is to gain perspective and a slight shift in your emotional state. The goal is clarity; not ambivalence, not indifference, not gaslighting, and not cheery reframing.

Caveat two, neutrality and the concept of a neutral waiting room, are not superior states of being that you should endeavor to be in all the time. We are designed to have a full range of emotions, and experience a full range of challenges. Finding neutral isn't meant to make your life flat, and beige, and bland, and rid you of strong unpleasant emotions. Finding neutral is simply a strategic timeout.

It's a way to pause the cascade of dominoes that happens when we get engulfed in negative thoughts and emotions. When we can pause, notice a negative intense emotion, and find neutral, it's like cleaning the car windshield. Or, it's like taking the elevator up to a high floor of a tall building, so you can have a better view of the city.

It helps us reset, and then, from that space, then we can better understand why we have the reflexive thoughts and feelings that we have. And when we can do that, we expand our awareness and expand our insight for why we do what we do. So, here are the four steps for entering the neutral waiting room.

Step one: When you're having an intense emotional response, start by giving yourself validation and normalization.

Step two: List off objective facts and neutral observations, or neutral thoughts.

Step three: Assess yourself for feeling a neutral emotional state.

And, step four: Notice the clarity and notice your wider perspective.

So, this is the actual homework for this week. When you notice that you feel stressed, or tense, or something that is not neutral, particularly something unpleasant, remind yourself there's a neutral waiting room, to use as a mental space in which you can recalibrate. Give yourself validation, and normalize what you're experiencing.

Then, list off a few facts. Come up with a few neutral feeling thoughts about your current situation. Assess for that neutral emotional state, and see if you can detect clarity and a difference in your perspective.

And then, stay tuned for subsequent installments where we explored different aspects of finding neutral, and some other different techniques that you can use in order to cultivate it.

I so hope you enjoyed this episode, and I will see you next time.

If you want to learn more about how to better understand your patterns, stop feeling reactionary, and get back into the proverbial driver’s seat with your habits, you’ll want to join my email list. Which you can find linked in the show notes. Or, if you go to habitsonpurpose.com, you’ll find it right there.

Thanks for listening to Habits On Purpose. If you want more information on Kristi Angevine or the resources from the podcast, visit www.habitsonpurpose.com. Tune in next week for another episode.