Welcome to Episode 148. I’m your host, Kristi Angevine, and this podcast is here to guide you to deeply understand why you think, feel, and act and react as you do so that you can learn the root causes for your patterns and your habits. Last week I discussed positive qualities and ways of being that are often associated with feeling most like yourself and can help you navigate the typical challenges and ups and downs of being a human.

This episode is all about how to actually cultivate these qualities on purpose, so these states of being can be your home base. If you're somebody who gets really hungry for the “how” of making changes and going for goals, this episode was made just for you. Let's get to it.

Welcome to Habits On Purpose, a podcast for high-achieving women who want to create lifelong habits that give more than they take. You'll get practical strategies for mindset shifts that will help you finally understand the root causes of why you think, feel, and act as you do. And now here's your host, Physician and Master Certified Life Coach Kristi Angevine.

Hello, hello. Sometimes before I actually press record, I have a part of me that starts overthinking how to start, what to say. And this part will bring in waves of lots of different ideas separated by these really long blanks that are eerily empty.

I used to be really bothered by this, and sometimes I still get bogged down in it for a bit. Because, as you might guess, it doesn't just happen in this particular situation of recording a podcast, but it happens in other places too. But now, I know to expect it and instead of this time-wasting, depleting tug-of-war inside my head, where I'm resisting the blank and I'm getting lost in second-guessing.

My inner dialogue, more days than not, is something like, “Oh, hello, right on time. Want a coffee? Want a blanket? Need anything? Need me to know anything? Because I'm going to get going. If you want to stay for the recording, you can. If you don't want to, you can go somewhere else, because I've got this for today.” And when I talk that way, it helps so much.

So thank you so much for tuning in. If you are new, oh my gosh, thanks for pressing “Play” and for joining the podcast. My intent here is for you to learn something that's conceptually a game-changer. And to leave the episodes with something tangible that you can apply in your real life, because good ideas are nothing if not implemented.

And today is about the critical aspects of how to actually get more of something that really matters to you. If you didn't hear Episode 14,7 or the episode that was released last week, you don't have to stop and go back and listen to it. But it's definitely worth checking in with so that some of the context for what I'm talking about today makes sense.

That said, what I'm talking about today, it applies to anything you want to do on purpose; a habit you want to change, a habit you want to start, a goal you have for yourself, for something personal, for something at work. It applies to all these things.

Now, I have two things I want to mention before we dive in. Number one, I don't know if you use Substack or if you have read many of the things on Substack, but if you are not yet into Substack, I'm going to recommend that your entry into Substack be a particular author.

And if you're already on Substack, you need to check this one out. This one is called “Eat the Strawberry”. So if you just Google “Eat the Strawberry, Bridget Godwin, Substack”, or you just go to the show notes and click on the link there, you're going to be able to read the first entry into what I think is going to be just a really beautiful resource.

Eat the Strawberry is… how do I put it? It feels like a gift. Bridget Godwin's writing style is just lovely, and she takes you through this really beautiful journey about her experience with… well, I won't spoil it for you. I'll just let you go read it.

But after you listen to this podcast, just Google “Eat the Strawberry” or click the link in the show notes, and you can thank me later. So, the second thing that I want to mention is, there are some really nice reviews that you've left for the podcast. I just want to give you a quick shout out.

So there are two that I'm going to read, and one is from Mars333333… a bunch of threes… and it says, “I've really enjoyed this podcast. Kristi Angevine is engaging, easy to listen to, and insightful. It feels like she's speaking to me directly at times. Listening to these podcasts has encouraged insights into myself and allowed me to move towards living my life on purpose from a place of feeling stuck. Truly amazing!”

Well, Mars333333, whatever that is, thank you so much for taking the time to write that.

The next one that I want to read is, this one is from Ronnie and says, “I'm new to this podcast and I'm glad I listened. Episode 144 about parts is interesting and helpful. A new way of understanding ourselves. Thank you! Veronica.” Veronica, thanks for taking the time, it means so much.

Now let's dive into what we're talking about today. Today, I'm talking about something that’s underneath the usual advice for how to set an intention and how to take steps towards any goal. And in Episode 148, I covered some positive qualities or states of being like, calm, curiosity, compassion, confidence. Things that can sometimes sound really good but feel elusive.

This episode is going to target how to cultivate these qualities intentionally. And how to bring in more of these states of being so that you can have more of them in your everyday life. And what I cover today works for these qualities, as well as for concrete goals.

So let me just remind you, the qualities from last episode are as follows: calm, clarity, curiosity, playfulness, compassion, patience, confidence, presence, courage, creativity, belonging, connectedness, perspective, and persistence.

How do you get more of these? Well, there are five main things that you need to know. Now, whenever I address how to do something, I am compelled to remind you that progress and habit change, it's not linear. As much as we would like to have a formula and an equation to plug ourselves into, it's not really how it works.

Most of the time, the journey is just that, a journey and a process; with mysteries and failures, lessons, twists and turns. And you don't usually end up exactly where you initially envisioned. However, I've learned that there are some fundamental steps involved in this process.

Now, I'm going to give you five steps. But the way that these look, the emphasis that each one needs, is going to be different for everyone. There's a large amount of trial and error involved to see what works and to make the process your own. And what works for one habit is not necessarily what's going to be effective for another.

What works today may not be what works tomorrow or next year. And I encourage you to listen to these five things and make them your own. You can do them in the order that I share. You can do them in the order of your choosing. Or you can just pick the ones that work the best for you. And this is part of a meta habit of cultivating self-trust. Let me explain.

If you hear an idea and you love it, and you want to use it, and you find it works great for you, amazing. But there's a subtle habit that can actually block you from self-trust and intuition that's really important to name. Sometimes we hear an idea or some steps, especially if it's from someone that asserts themselves as an expert or an authority, or someone that we see as holding really important information or wisdom.

We take that as truth, sometimes without checking to see if it's really resonant or useful for us. And as we do this, we unwittingly reinforce the idea that other people know more and other people know better than we do. We also reinforce the idea that the best ideas are found outside of us, not inside of us.

And this can perpetuate a tendency to rove around searching for answers, buying books, looking for new podcasts, signing up for programs. All the while cutting ourselves off from trusting ourselves and connecting with our own intuition and our own wisdom.

So just keep that in mind as you listen here and as you listen elsewhere. And if this is your tendency, you might consider taking a content intake diet. This means silence instead of podcasts while you walk or drive. Or perhaps a practice of self-exploration anytime you consume other people's content. Make sure you always ask, what do I need right now? How can I take this idea and make it more me?

Now, let's get into the nuts and bolts. How to cultivate these qualities like patience and confidence and clarity? How do you actually go about accessing creativity or tapping into courage? Here are the five components for how to cultivate or access these states.

Number one: Know what you want and know why you want it.

Number two: Identify what's in the way.

Number three: Take small doable steps toward what you want.

Number four: Evaluate your progress.

Last but not least, number five: Make sure you have support.

So let me elaborate on each one of these. The first two have quite a bit more information and the last three are a little bit shorter. Number one: Know what you want and why you want it. Have you asked yourself lately, what do I really want? Why do I want that?

If you haven't asked yourself that, it is worth doing. When it comes to cultivating these qualities, which ones do you want and why? Want more confidence, how come? Want to access clarity and creativity, why? When you have it, what do you imagine is going to be better? Want more of all of them? Great. What is it about these things that matters to you specifically?

Now, once you have an inkling of what you want … and as I'm thinking about this, I probably need to do an entire episode on how to identify this … but once you know what you want, why do you need to know “your why”?

Well, there are a lot of reasons out there. You've probably heard a lot of things about “have a compelling why” and things like that. Here's my take. “Your why” helps you be honest about if what you want is worth the time and effort that it's going to take.

If you think of a goal and “your why” is like, “It'd just be nice to have that. I mean, I don't know, why not?” That kind of average, maybe lukewarm energy isn't really going to give you the oomph that you might need to overcome the inertia and the ordinary everyday life stressors that you're probably going to face.

So when you read, or you think about your reason why you want something, this reason should resonate with you as really deeply meaningful, beautiful, compelling, and true. It should make you go, “Oh yes, this is why I care.”

To make sure “your why” is like this, you can do a few things. First of all, you can check in. “Where did my why come from? Is it something that I inherited? Is it a cultural or social value? Is it from a parent or a friend that I admire? Whose ‘why’ is it?”

Is it from someone outside of you? And if so, are you cool with that? For example, if you want to lose weight so you can look a certain way, you get to check in, “

“Is this so that I can look pleasing to others? Is this so I look how I want to look just for me? Is this look I want related to a look I had 20 years ago? Or is it maybe linked to contemporary beauty ideas that prize thinness or an hourglass figure? Is it a look I love for me, no matter what?”

And when you answer these types of questions, there are no wrong answers. All your reasons are valid. As you go through this, even if you find that some of your reasons are influenced by social conditioning, or they're handed down from a parent, or they are shaped by something outside of you, if you see that and you're okay owning it, and you like that and the reason lights you up, that means you have found a strong, compelling reason for your desired goal.

So it doesn't matter if you discover that the reason why you want something is completely in line with some social conditioning. If it lights you up, and your eyes are wide open for the influences that are present, beautiful.

Now, if you check in on where “your why” came from and you find out that it's not related to any external forces, it comes from within, then you get to refine this “why” by checking, “Is this reason coming from my most grounded, calm, authentic, intuitive, wise self? Or is it perhaps coming from a fear or scarcity or a sense of unworthiness?”

If it's not a reason from your most grounded, calm, authentic, intuitive, wise self … that's a mouthful … where is it coming from? Does a part of you want to have this goal so you can impress somebody or prove something or reduce feeling insecure? Is “your why” coming from a part of you that yearns for recognition and praise because deep down there's a yearning to belong? Is your inner perfectionist or your inner critic making you think that you should do this thing?

If so, not a problem. But it's essential to know this so you are eyes wide open that there may be more than meets the eye driving your motivation. Goals that are driven by insecurity, anxiety, perfectionism, maybe a need for control, they will act like a dog whistle and they will summon challenges and barriers and all sorts of things that will later on get in the way of your goal.

A clue that this could be going on is that your “why” will not necessarily feel calm and clear. When you look at it, you won't feel open or fluid or spacious or grounded, but rather there might be an urgency, an angst, a brittle rigidness. Instead of, “This matters so much, I'm going to work on this as long as it takes.” It'll be more like, “I need this so badly. I need it yesterday. Let's get going already.” See the difference?

So step one is know what you want, and know why you want it. See where “your why” is coming from and what it's influenced by. Is it externally influenced? Is it a hand-me-down aspiration? Is it coming from a place of anxiety or criticism? And if it is, are you okay with that?

Check in to see how “your why “feels when you read it or think about it, because this will be a clue if it's going to be useful. Is it flat or hollow? Is it fraught with anxiety when you read it, or does it feel solid?

Number two: What is in the way? With any desired habit or quality that you want to cultivate, you must always know what's in the way so you can anticipate what's in the way, plan for it, and know how to deal with it. This boils down to getting really clear on your internal and external obstacles.

Let's start with the externals. External obstacles can be environmental factors and current circumstances. So if you are focused on survival, be it navigating an illness, taking care of a loved one, putting all your energy into physically staying alive and finding food, or you're burned out working 80 or 100 hours a week without support, or being told that you should suck it up and be more resilient, it's important to identify any type of external obstacle.

Say your goal is to work out five days a week by walking or biking from your house, but it's winter and it's icy and it's slick outside and it's really dark in the morning. This is an obstacle you need to plan for.

Say you want to do yoga twice a week, but the class you want to go to is actually going to consume about an hour and a half or two hours by the time you get dressed, drive there, do the class, drive back, shower, and you've got a big work deadline looming. And unless you skimp on sleep, that yoga class is going to take up time you might not currently be willing to cede.

So what are your circumstantial obstacles? Once you know these, make a plan for how you're going to handle them. Either tweak your goal, tweak your timeline, or figure out how to best change your situation. This will help you counter the tendency to set a goal that you can't reach and then get really discouraged.

Now, just as important as getting clear on your external barriers is getting clear on what's in the way internally. What do I mean by “internally”? Internally are your beliefs about yourself. Your beliefs about the world. Your well-established habits. And all the different parts of you that show up whenever you endeavor to make a change.

Say you want to work out and attend a gym class, but inside there's a part of you that hates going to the gym. It doesn't like small talk. It feels like you're being evaluated by the other people in the class. And maybe another part of you would prefer to hang out with your kids or just wants to relax and watch TV or read a book wrapped up in a blanket. And this part thinks that working out is stupid.

These are internal obstacles. And if you ignore the internal objections to your plan, eventually they will interfere with your goal. Have you heard that analogy about hiking a trail with a group? The way it goes is if your aim is to get a group of people from point A to point B, you have to focus on what's going to be in the way.

You have to, number one, focus on the challenges of the slowest hikers. And number two, make sure you're aware of how everyone in the group feels about the goal. If you don't, it could be midnight and most of the crew is at the campsite, but the slower hikers are still dragging themselves in. And the ones who hate hiking and don't care about the goal, well, they've gone back to the car and they've driven to a hotel.

So when you articulate your goal and “your why”, you need to check in. “What are my inner objections?” If you like using parts language, “What parts of me object to this plan? Who hates the plan? What seems hard? Does a part of me think it's not possible? Do I believe this is possible for others but not for me? Does a part of me feel like this goal is dumb?”

Once you know these inner objections, then you can plan for what to do about them. Do you need to get coaching or therapy or talk to a friend about a limiting belief? Do you need to support yourself in a particular way? What do you need to do to anticipate, plan, and handle them?

Now, lest you think that articulating barriers and obstacles is a risk for being pessimistic and hyper-focusing on the problems, it's not. Doing this is just so you realistically know what you're up against, so you can plan for it and tend to it.

We’ve learned that it's best to be strong, have discipline, don't make excuses, don't be whiny. Some of you listening might be like me and have a habit of ignoring or steamrolling over any internal objections. And if pushing past the internal stuff worked, that would be one thing, but it just doesn't work. The only time that steamrolling over objections works well is in the last mile of a race when your legs are burning, you want to quit, but you want to beat that person who's 15 yards in front of you.

In that setting, by all means, push through. But for a meaningful life goal or for cultivating something like playfulness or joy, eventually, if you're bypassing or trying to strong-arm your way, you are going to run out of steam.

So know why you want it. Know what's in the way externally and internally. And make some plans for it.

Now, number three, take small, doable steps toward what you want. Small and doable always trumps grandiose and unrealistic. Small and doable is very unsexy though. If you are impatient, you need to remind yourself that slow is fast. Go slow on purpose and it will end up being faster in the long haul.

While you can make an overnight change sometimes, 99% of the time it doesn't happen overnight. Permission granted, for whatever you're trying to do, to take five times as long as you'd like for it to take. When you just embrace this, you're going to avoid the pitfall of grandiose, all-or-none thinking that will have you doing starts and stops and overall making less progress.

Now, most perfectionists, high-achieving, ambitious or high-energy people hate small and doable steps. And listen, if you are really productive by working in these passionate spurts that happen here and there and that works really well for you, brilliant. As an empiricist, my thought is, “If it works, keep doing it. If it doesn't, reevaluate.”

But if you are not one of these lucky souls who can do passionate spurts, small actions over time are going to be your best friend. Because they add up. So ask yourself, what can I do that would be one easy step towards cultivating, say, more patience this week?

Your small doable step might be to watch for when patience is easy. Or to notice impatience and do a one-minute box breathing exercise with your hand on your heart, and see what's going on that makes the impatience make sense.

Number four: Regularly evaluate your progress with these simple questions once a week. Bring to mind the thing you're working on and ask these four questions: What went well? What didn't? What did I learn? What am I going to do differently next week?

This evaluation process helps you see progress that's easy to dismiss or overlook and it highlights your challenges. It also forces you to create a practical strategy going forward. Without a specific way of evaluating, we can start with gusto and then fizzle because we hit a snag, we get off track, we forget our intention because we had a shit show of a day. And we can also lose perspective.

I am constantly reminding myself of the power of regular evaluations. And I am constantly amazed at the efficacy. So evaluate once a week with these simple questions: What went well? What didn't go well? What did I learn? What am I going to do differently next week?

Number five: Make sure you have support. Getting support is not a sign of weakness. Support is like having a water station or a pit crew at a race. Or heck, porta potties at a big event. It's just smart. It's just necessary. Support can look like anything and may be different every day. It doesn't have to be other people, but it might be.

For me, sometimes support is just texting a friend. Sometimes it's coaching. Sometimes it's therapy. Sometimes it's a bike ride or stretching. Other times it's brainstorming ideas. Other times it's extra sleep. Other times it's getting going and taking care of some things that I've been avoiding.

Trying to be overly self-reliant, figuring out everything on your own, this is its own habit born from our ruggedly individualistic culture. And while there are some positives to being resourceful and being scrappy, avoiding support because of a desire to be self-reliant is like carrying a really heavy, awkward bag around that doesn't actually have anything useful in it. It's just not that effective. So you need to make sure you have support.

The way you do this? You just ask, what do I need? What will help make this easier? What is hard? What will help me? Who can help me? What can I delegate? Who can I lean on? What can I do to support myself?

So those are the five things. And if you want to cultivate a quality mentioned in the last episode, if you want to go for a big goal, if you want to change something about your day or this week, here's the recap of what you need to do.

Number one: Know what you want and know why you want it.

Number two: Identify what's in the way so that you can anticipate it and plan for it.

Number three: Take small and doable steps toward what you want.

Number four: Evaluate your progress.

And number five: Make sure you have support.

This is a rinse and repeat process that is, honestly, the work of a lifetime. And for you, for this week, because I want to keep things practical for real life, this is what I recommend you try. Pick one of these items on the list and journal about it for 20-30 minutes. Or just reflect on it on your commute or while you walk.

Then pick one realistic thing that you can do towards the step you chose. It doesn't matter which component you choose, just remember, make it your own. Ditch what doesn't work for your life and your disposition, but pick something and do it.

And if this hits home for you, I would so appreciate it if you followed the podcast. I would be over the moon delighted if you left a review for the podcast; think of the review as sending a text. It really doesn't take more than 20-30 seconds. It helps me, and it helps this podcast immensely.

Big hug! Until next week. Talk to you soon.

Are you on the Habits on Purpose email list yet? I send community emails with practical information, habit change tips, and announcements about workshops, lectures, and in-person events that I'm going to be attending. I share things that I don't share here on the podcast, and I let you in on what I'm studying, what I'm learning, and what I'm going through in my life.

When you're on the list, you can always press “Reply” and ask me a question. And you'll hear back from me; not from my team, not from AI. You'll hear back from me.

So to connect in your inbox. Go to HabitsOnPurpose.com and join the email list. You can also find me on Instagram and Facebook. And get ready for it, eventually … gasp … you will find me on TikTok once I actually open an account.

Take care, and I look forward to connecting.

Thanks for listening to Habits On Purpose. If you want more information on Kristi Angevine or the resources from the podcast, visit HabitsOnPurpose.com. Tune in next week for another episode.