In a recent episode, I discussed five steps to help you cultivate self-trust through different positive qualities that I reviewed in another previous episode. These positive qualities help with any habits, any challenges, and work in pretty much any area of your life. And this week, we'll explore the idea of layering or stacking these positive qualities for a synergistic effect. Let's dive in, shall we?

Welcome to Habits On Purpose, I'm Kristi Angevine, a physician, Master Certified Coach, Internal Family Systems informed practitioner, and host of this podcast, where we explore the deeper psychology behind why we do what we do.

Hello, hello. One of the ideas that I've been exploring is, what could be possible when we deliberately combine different positive qualities? What happens when you combine patience with playfulness? Or courage with curiosity?

Each of them by themselves are powerful in so many ways. But when we combine them, there can be something new created. Just like we can combine ingredients in baking or in cooking, and we can get a delicious meal.

Combining different positive qualities can give a synergistic effect that is really helpful for habit change. This synergistic effect works like an antidote or an elixir when it comes to your habits. And I have found that there are particular combinations of positive qualities that are really powerful to tackle particular habits.

So if you're like me, or my clients … And hello to those of you who I talk to on a regular basis … you may have special expertise in habits like second-guessing, sharp personal criticism, comparison, catastrophic thinking, rumination, worrying, people-pleasing, all-or-none thinking, suppressing emotions, compartmentalizing things, etc., etc.

These habits, as you will hear me often say, they all developed for a good reason. We don't repeat things that have zero benefit. Even things that have an underbelly of consequences that negatively affect our lives or our happiness, when you look carefully, all of these things, they have some reward, some benefit, or they serve a purpose to either protect or help us cope.

Now, once old strategies, old ways of coping, stop working or begin to take more than they give, that's when we want change. That's when we need change. But how?

Willpower and some habit hacks from pop psychology usually end up without moving the needle in a meaningful way. And they leave us feeling like, what the heck am I to do?

To make any real change calls on less conventional approaches. And while there's no one right way, there's no cookie-cutter protocol for habit change. In general, real change requires a few things. So, number one, real change requires really understanding how a certain pattern makes sense for you. Sometimes this is really straightforward, and other times, it's more like a deep-sea expedition where you are exploring things, and you have no idea what you're going to find. And you might not think that changing something like people-pleasing or all-or-none thinking or a tendency to underestimate how long things are going to take would call on deep personal healing, but often it does.

Number two, real change also requires awareness of what we usually overlook: our thoughts, our emotions, our default responses, and awareness of the conscious and subconscious beliefs that drive these thoughts, emotions, and default responses. Now, this awareness piece is one that can sound very simple. If I can just increase my awareness, then I will understand things better. But awareness, as simple as it is, it's not necessarily intuitive. So, this will be something that we talk about more and more on the podcast.

Now, number three, change also requires a willingness to experiment with different ways to create the change that you want. And this part, you can do concurrent with the learning and the healing of the why that drives your habits, as well as concurrent with cultivating that awareness I mentioned. Today is about this third aspect, and today is your invitation to experiment with stacking different positive qualities to strategically address certain habits.

Now, tricky habits are multidimensional. There's no one simple way to change them, and often you have to try a variety of different things. So, this is just another tool for your toolbox. So, let's talk about stacking or layering positive qualities. Episode 223 goes over 14 qualities that can be really beneficial to intentionally bring into your life. And these qualities are calm, clarity, curiosity, playfulness, compassion, patience, confidence, presence, courage, creativity, belonging, connectedness, perspective, and persistence.

If you haven't listened to episode 223, go back and listen to that because I flesh out what these qualities actually mean, what they can look like, and this will help you understand when you are feeling these things or when you are embodying these things, because sometimes they're very, very easy to miss. And sometimes we don't know how to get more of them and cultivate them because we just don't know what we're looking for.

Now, when I have these types of qualities present, I feel like my best, most authentic self. As I mentioned before, these qualities for me, they open the door to intuition. They help me have an interest and a willingness to do hard things, to go for bold goals, and they kind of act like co-factors for things like wisdom, joy, awe, and love. So, let's get deeper into the magic of combining or layering these positive qualities.

I'm going to talk about a few different habits and a particular combination of qualities that I find works really well to address that habit. So, as you listen, listen to see if I mention any of your particular pain points and listen to see if this combination of qualities might help you.

So, let's start with overwhelm and panic related to a massive to-do list. This is very timely in the holiday season when you might have a bunch of events going on, lots of travel, squishing work into little pockets here and there, having people over to your house, visiting other people, or just navigating a variety of different things that have sort of landed on your plate or that you've brought into your world on purpose.

When it comes to overwhelm and panic with a massive to-do list, the best combination of qualities I have found is patience plus perspective. Perspective is being able to step back and see the big picture and identify what's essential and what's actually just masquerading as necessary. Patience is the reminder that it's okay to slow down. And in fact, when you deliberately stop rushing, you can focus and make more progress than when you're in a frantic, caffeinated ball of panic.

Reducing overwhelm can look like this. First, you notice that panicky, fast, overwhelmed, "Oh my gosh, there's not enough time," feeling. And momentarily, you let off the gas and you put on the brakes. You take a deep breath. You remind yourself, what actually matters here? At the end of my life, what matters most? Given that, what's the most important thing that I need to tend to in this moment? Indeed, this amount of time that I have does not feel ideal, but remember, slow is fast, and it's going to be okay. So, overwhelm's antidote is perspective plus patience.

Now, let's talk about getting out the door. Do you have frantic, snippy, irritable exits from your house? Leaving for work, for school, for vacation, for the gym. Does it feel like a circus, herding cats when you're leaving with other people? Bring in persistence and playfulness. Playfulness lightens the mood, helps you stop taking things so seriously, and persistence helps keep you going despite inevitable setbacks. Let me just emphasize that again. Setbacks are inevitable. They're not a sign of personal failure. It's just a part of life.

So, it looks like this. You notice as you're getting out the door that the stress level is ratcheting. Maybe you notice the authoritarian tone you have. "I said, grab your lunch box. Why aren't we in the car already? Phone, wallet, keys. Don't talk to me. I just forgot what I came back in for." And you pause just a second, and you realize, okay, the pressure cooker is on. And you know you need to lighten the mood. And you also need to keep moving ahead. So, you look for a way to be silly. You make a joke about yourself. "OMG, y'all, the drill sergeant mama is in the house. Don't slow down or you're going to see steam come out of her ears."

You see the absurdity in the chaos. You imagine that the morning is the data that the writers for Saturday Night Live are going to use for their next skit. You make room for some inside jokes and for some laughing, and you persist. You persist by not making the hiccups mean that you're doomed. You hit snags, you keep going. Your first attempt at being playful resulted in, "Mom, now is not the time." But you don't expect it to be smooth sailing, so you just roll with it.

Persistence is, I am too scrappy to be overly bothered by the snags. Yes, it's a shit show some days, but we keep it light and we keep on going. When you have stress leaving the house, draw on playfulness and persistence.

Now, let's talk about taking the first steps towards a big goal, towards something that really, really matters to you but feels really risky or bold or uncertain. What is that thing for you? Whatever it is, courage and confidence are your best allies. Now, big goals can sit on the shelf and they can get dusty. Why? Well, to go for something that you really want often means you're going to be facing fear and you're going to be starting off without knowing the how, acting even if you're not 100% sure it's going to work, and making and executing a bunch of decisions without knowing which ones are best. This barf factor makes it easier to stick to the known path.

Courage is the strength and willingness to act when it would be much easier not to act. It's taking a risk without being paralyzed. Courage is not to be mistaken for impulsivity or drunken bravado, but it's a quality that propels us to move, to start, to keep going, to stand up for, to go for something that we really care about when we don't know if it's going to work. Confidence is a knowing that you can handle whatever comes. Because when you know at your core that you are good, worthy, capable, and resourceful, you're going to be willing to learn in public, make mistakes, and trust that in the aftermath, you're going to have your own back. So, instead of letting a big goal die on the vine, meet it with courage plus confidence together.

And this will look different for different people, but keep this in mind. Courage and confidence, they are not reserved just for the special people with special genes who came out of the womb cosmically graced. Confidence and courage, like all the qualities that I've mentioned, they're not just for the lucky few. But you might not feel like they are easy to channel. You might not feel like they're available to you. And I get that. You might also think that you have to try really, really, really hard and work every day to build up these qualities.

But here's the truth. These qualities are already inside of you, just waiting for you to find them. They are usually hidden by layers of limiting beliefs and oppressive ideologies that we have absorbed from socialization and inherited from culture. And the work is learning how to uncover them.

Now, let's talk about people-pleasing and setting boundaries. What qualities do you think you could combine to have a synergistic effect to help with people-pleasing and setting boundaries? Now, what often comes to mind is courage, and courage indeed, it's useful. But actually, what I find to be some of the most effective things are combining clarity and calm. They are a dynamic duo when it comes to people-pleasing and setting boundaries. And here's why.

People-pleasing can happen so fast. You say yes before you even realize it. Somebody asks you something and you are nodding and agreeing and accommodating, and you didn't even realize it. Anxiety and urgency and scarcity and worry can be so subtle and can underpin people-pleasing at our own expense. And when we do it, we don't realize it until hindsight, we see we weren't prioritizing us. We were defaulting to accommodating others. And there's so many reasons why people-pleasing makes sense, particularly if you're socialized as a woman, but also for men. There's a great reason why pleasing others, making sure other people are okay even though you're not tending to your own needs, why that can promote a sense of safety, security, etc.

And in a similar line, there are great reasons why it can be difficult to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is asserting a line in the sand where there was not one before. And there was not one before, often times because the values of others were running the show in a way that we had not yet examined. So, to change people-pleasing and to have more ease with boundaries, you need calm plus clarity.

Calm allows you to pause and deliberately create mental space and reduce this reactive tendency to respond without thinking. Clarity helps you see things objectively. When you combine the two, you have a willingness to slow down and get grounded and centered, which helps you more carefully assess. Is what I'm about to do or say really what I want to do? Or is it perhaps coming from a part of me that's scared to say no, scared of disappointing people, not wanting to make anyone upset?

Only when you slow down can you see this. It's like trying to spot a certain flower on the side of the road. You can see it pretty easily when you know what it looks like and you're walking. But if you were driving down the road 60 miles an hour and you're scanning out the window, it's just harder to see. So, people-pleasing and setting boundaries require you to draw on clarity and calm.

Now, let's talk about procrastination. Imagine using curiosity and creativity every time you are procrastinating. So, picture this. You have that thing you want to do, that you need to do, but you feel frozen. You are overwhelmed. You don't know where to start. You do nothing. You take forever to start. Or you have finished the like 10 Sudokus, or you've done something, but you haven't actually done the thing.

Curiosity stops avoidance by asking productive questions, which shifts you into a totally different mindset. Creativity brings in an innovative approach to problem-solving. And when you combine the two of them, it looks like this. Oh, I am procrastinating. How come I am procrastinating? Why am I stalling? What is my biggest worry? What is hard about starting? What's in the way from getting moving right now? Okay, that's good to know. All right, now, knowing me, what are a few different ways that I might approach this? If I wasn't worried what anyone thought, what are some outside-the-box ways that I might actually solve this and get going?

So, see how procrastination can loosen its grip when you bring in curiosity and creativity? All right, last thing I want to mention is self-doubt, perfectionism, and second-guessing. Such a painful but common trio in high achievers. Self-doubt, perfectionism, and second-guessing improves when you meet it with curiosity blended with compassion. Self-doubt softens when you explore without berating yourself. Then, compassion brings in kindness and validation to normalize any struggle.

Together, it looks like this. Unsure what to do, questioning your ability to do it, fixating on making all the minutia just right, you pause and you go, "Whoa, I am doing that thing again. This feels like a straitjacket. Okay, I know what this is. Second-guessing and perfectionism. Okay. Hello, I see you. Here we are again. Okay, wide open curiosity. What is really going on here?"

Acting with compassion on purpose? "Oh my goodness, yes, this is so understandable." And then you just wait. When you meet yourself, when you are like swirling in just a hellish torture of self-doubt, second-guessing, all driven by some perfectionism, and you meet yourself with just a really kind, loving question, "What is going on?" and then you're really compassionate with recognizing that what's going on makes sense, other people would feel this way too. You will notice perhaps not a 100% disappearance of the self-doubt and second-guessing, but you will notice a dramatic reduction.

Now, imagine all the other different synergistic combinations that you could have. Courage plus playfulness to try something new like public speaking or a new sport. Put together compassion and patience to unlearn a habit like overeating or over-scrolling. Pair presence and confidence to initiate a difficult conversation and then be able to really listen and respond honestly. Put belonging and creativity together, and then when it comes to working on a team project, you will blend a sense of safety with connection, where new ideas can flourish.

Now, these are just examples. This is no chemistry equation, right? There's not a particular combination that is the one way that you should do it. And only you will find which different qualities that you can layer that works best for you. But let's recap. Overwhelm responds really well to perspective plus patience. For leaving the house drama, try playfulness and perspective. For going for big goals, tap into courage and confidence. For people-pleasing and setting boundaries, use calm and clarity. For procrastination, put together curiosity with creativity. And then for self-doubt, second-guessing, and perfectionism, curiosity and compassion will never do you wrong.

Now, remember these qualities: calm, clarity, curiosity, playfulness, compassion, patience, confidence, presence, courage, creativity, belonging, connectedness, perspective, persistence. And know that when you combine them, they can have an amplified effect.

Now, let's talk about a few important things. When it comes to these qualities, you just need a critical mass of each one. You do not need to feel fully confident, fully calm, fully courageous, 100% patient to do anything beneficial. You just need a whiff of these. You also don't need to despair if there's a certain quality that's harder for you to access than others. That is just normal.

So, how can we implement all this in real life this week? Here's what you're going to do. I want you to pick a habit. Pick a habit, any habit. Think of the positive qualities that you are already naturally very good at. And then I want you to think about what if you use these qualities for making a change with that habit?

Once you have picked a habit plus some positive qualities, this is what I want you to do. There are four questions. Answer these questions. Number one, what would be different with blank habit if I used blank quality? Number two, what other quality can I combine with this for a synergistic effect? Number three, what would I do differently if I invoked these on purpose? AKA, what would a camera see me doing that would be different if I brought in these qualities on purpose? And number four, what specifically will help me remember and do this on purpose?

We always need to have a built-in way to remember because life is life, things get crazy, and we forget. So, here are the questions again. First, pick a habit, any habit. Think of the positive qualities you're already naturally very good at that you could just naturally draw on. And then, what if you use these qualities for making a change? How does that land with you? If it lands good, awesome, you've got your quality in mind. And then you answer these four questions. If it doesn't land well, just think on it a little bit more. And if ultimately you find yourself overthinking, here's what you do. Just pick two or more of the qualities that I've mentioned and use those as an experiment.

So, here are your four questions. What would be different with blank habit if I used blank quality? What other quality can I combine with it? Is the second question. Number three, what would I do differently if I invoked these on purpose for this habit? Number four, what specifically will help me remember and do this on purpose?

That's your work for the week. Go experiment. Then, if you're not already on the email list, join the email list and let me know what worked and what you discovered. I want to learn from you. I'm so glad I got to spend this time with you. Thank you for listening. Part of my mission is to leave this place better than I found it, and if through this podcast, I can offer something that's helpful for you on your journey, that helps me fulfill my purpose.

If this episode landed well with you and you found it practical or inspiring, can you do me a huge favor? Can you leave the podcast a rating and most importantly, a short review? I know it is easy to skip doing this because sometimes I'm a champ at not doing ratings and reviews, so I totally get it. But I'm going to be your nudge. Before the next show in your rotation starts playing or before you move to your next new task, pretty please scroll down to the "Leave a Rating" part of the page and add the stars and then write a phrase or a sentence or a paragraph as a review. And for those of you who recently wrote reviews, thank you so, so much. Your time is tremendously helpful and actually has an impact that is probably beyond what you realize. So, thank you. I really appreciate it. Until next week, everyone, I will see you soon.

Thanks for listening to Habits On Purpose. If you want more information on Kristi Angevine or the resources from the podcast, visit HabitsOnPurpose.com. Tune in next week for another episode.